Trif-Awwwns: The Book (Completed)

Prologue

“There’s been a disturbance in the mall, one that cannot be stopped, one tha-“ 
“ANTHONY SHUT UP AND DO THE DISHES!” Tino yells. 
“Fine Jesus calm down Tino I was just setting up the story geez.” I reply 
“Anthony you little rascal!” 
“Who said that? John? Mac? Is that you?” I ask. 
“Anthony how do you not know my name? It’s Darren you know the heart and soul of our rag-tag team of workers.” He says. 
“Oh ya they were only in season 1… wait does that mean I have to include Tino in these now?” I ask. “What are you talking about just do the di-“ Tino says until he’s cut off by a phone ringing. Ring Ring, Ring Ring. 
“You going to get that Moe?" Tino asks. 
“Ya sure one second.” Moe says. Ring, Ring, Ring Ring. 
“MOE THE PHONE!” Tino yells. 
“ONE SECOND I'M TEXTING MY MOM TO MAKE ME SOME MAC AND CHEESE AND I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!” Moe says. 
“EXCUSE ME YOUNG MAN?” Tino says. 
“WHAT DID I STU-STUTTER!” Moe says. 
“WELL YES YOU ACTUALLY KIND OF DID!” Tino says. 
“SOMEONE GET THE PHONE!” I yell. 
“Darren what are you doing on your phone?” Tino asks. 
“Well I’m not on Facebook that’s for sure.” The phone then stopped ringing and we all looked at each other while wondering what just happened. Do you know? Probably not, but that’s fine.

And so our new story begins not with Mac or with John but with that guy we found on the bus in Season 1 and someone named Moe? Anyway let’s just get on with it. 

Chapter 1: The Great Cracker Heist of 2015 (Part One)

“Hey there Anthony.” Darren says. 
“Hey Darren how are you today?” I ask. 
“Well I’m perfect as always.” He replies. 
“Of course it’s all about the Darren.” I say. 
“That’s right” he says. 
“Some would say it’s like a universe all about you.” I say. 
“Ya that’s right like a Darren-Verse.” He says. 
“HEY, HEY WE DON’T MAKE THAT COMPARISON HERE, UNDERSTAND?” I say. 
“Ok calm down Anthony what’s wrong?” 
“Don’t  you worry a hair on your head Darren.” I say. 
“I don’t have any hair.” He says. 
“What are you talking about? I can see it on your head.” I say. 
“I shaved it this morning.” He said. “What I don’t unde- I don’t… OH MY GOD EWW JESUS WHY?” I say. 
“OHHHOOHOOOOOOOOO, get it? It’s funny because you can see my hair on my head but I shaved me b-”  He says before I cut him off. 
“STOP GOD ENOUGH I'M 14 FOR GOODNESS SAKE!” Right then Tino walked in. “TINO HELP!” I ask. 
“What is it Anthony?” Tino asks, then he looks at Darren and I could tell by the look in Tino’s eyes he knew. “Did he tell you the hair joke?” Tino asked. 
“Yes!” I exclaimed. 
“Darren. Back. Now.” Tino said. Darren grunted and walked off into the back but tripped and fell over. Tino looked at Darren and walked over at a reasonable pace. “Darren. Up. Now.” Tino said. “DANG Tino’s a savage this season.” I said. Darren got up and looked at what he slipped on and it was… an empty cracker packet. 
Darren dramatically looked up and met Tino’s eyes and asked “What does this all mean?”
 Tino replied, “I don’t know,” as he took off a pair of sunglasses. 
“Wait have you always had those on? We’re inside you loser.” I said. 
Tino said, “Ok boys it looks like someone’s been stealing our crackers and eating them.” 
“Well it looks like we should start cracking out this case.” I said. 
Tino slowly turned around and slapped me and said, “No, what was that?” Then he slapped me again and said, “Shame on you, why? Why would you even think that!” 
“Stop I’m sorry jeez.” I said. Darren got up and walked into the freezer then closed the door. Boom. Boom. Boom. The doors popped open a bit between the booms. Darren walked out coughing like crazy and walked over to Tino and I.  
“Darren what did you just do?” I asked. 
“Ya that was wier-“ Tino was saying before he and I started coughing. 
“OHHHHOOOHOOOO!” Darren started laughing. 
“MY EYES THEY BURN!” I shouted. 

And so that concludes the first act of our exciting story. I mean you may not know what happened and I can’t say that I really do either but… whatever. Stay tuned for part two coming out whenever I feel like it!

Chapter 2: The Great Cracker Heist of 2015 (Part Two)

5:03 the clock slowly ticked away, Tino stood by the till and slowly sipped on his alcohol. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. “Ahhhhhhhhhhhh” Tino said. I looked to the back and saw Kevin. Oh wait nope it's Darren. How did I even get that confused. Darren was by the fryer talking to himself as usual. It was 2 weeks into the Cracker Heist investigation. Tino was taking it the hardest... Well not like that I'm talking about it was affecting the way he thinks. For example yesterday a customer came up and ordered some soup, and at the time I was working the till and Tino was working the back. After the customer paid for their soup I went to the back and told Tino to get it ready. He looked at me then walked over and made the soup. Tino took it over to the customer and then it happened. "Oh thank you, could I have just one more packet of crackers please?" Asked the customer. Tinos left eye twitched. "You yellow starburst piece of trash." Tino replied. "What?" Asked the customer. Tino punched the customer in the face grabbed their soup opened up the lid and said "You're in for a hot soup-prise" "Ah I get it." Darren said then looked at me and asked "Do you get it Anthony?" "Ya Darren I get it Soup-Prise it's pretty clever." I replied. "Hawwhawwwhoooohawww. It's funny because he said Soup-Prise like surprise but he said Soup-Prise instead." Darren said. "Ya Darren I understo-" I was saying until Darren interrupted me and continued to talk about the joke. "Remember that time Tino said Soup-Prise. HAWHEEEHAWWWHOOOHEEHAAAAAAW." He asked. "Darren that literally just happened it wasn't even that funny just stop." I pleaded. I turned away from Darren as he walked over to the back and looked at Tino. He dumped the steaming hot soup on the customer then spat on her.

I saw Tino then slowly slurped my drink. SSSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP. Wait that sounded really disgusting...that's two times this story. Long story short Tino didn't get charged because when the police came he tried running away but slipped on a banana peel... Oops I meant a little child. He then grabbed his pepper spray and tried spraying it on the cops but held it the wrong way and sprayed himself in the eyes. He started yelling out racial slurs and started undressing for some reason.

I guess the cops felt bad for him so they let him go. Anyway you may be wondering how this has anything to do with the Great Cracker Heist of 2015 and well... I don't know. Tino made a web of suspects he had literally everyone on it. He had co-workers, ex workers, parents, Billy Mays, and someone named Terry Kelly. Tino went full out insane, he stopped showering, he started a blog about Darren and he started calling me at night. Ring Ring Ring. "Hello?" I said. "Hello." He replied. "Who is this?" I asked. "It's me." He replied. "Oh my God Tino we aren't making this joke." I stated. 

I came into work this morning and Tino looked at me then ran over, hugged me and whispered in my ear "I farted." He said. "Is that all you wa-" I was saying until Tino interrupted with a burp and said. "I know who stole the crackers." I took off my glasses and yelled "WHOOOOO?" And he slapped me and screamed "WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW!" Tino then ran down the hallway forever, until he fell down and started crying. We later found out that Tino was eating the crackers but end up forgetting about it later on. I started cleaning up shop when two guys walked over. "Who are you two punks" I asked. They looked at each other, one guy said his name was Kevin and the other Blake. "We were wondering if you guys were hiring." Kevin asked. "Ya sure but you have to leave." I said pointing to Blake. "What why?" He asked. "I don't know, I don't like you." I replied. Blake walked away and I looked at Kevin and he looked at me. "Let's do this!" Kevin said. "Wow wow wow Kevin I don't know what kind of job you think this is but it's not. I mean I'm flattered but I'm only 14 years old." I said. 

And that ends Chapter 2 and an amazing saga, this marks the end of The Cracker Heist but it does not end our interesting story. We have now added a new character to our roster. Blake... Oops I'm sorry there's been a mistake... I meant Kevin... I really should of read the script it's only a pittance of time. See you next chapter and God Bless!